I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE DIGGING MY HEELS IN. UNRELENTING WHEN I WAS RIGHT AND UNREPENTING WHEN I WAS WRONG. IT IS NOT JUST ME AND MY GOOD PARTS, YOU KNOW.
IT HAS ALWAYS HURT ME DEEPLY TO FIND THAT THE ITERATIONS OF MYSELF I LOVED MOST WERE THE ONES THE PEOPLE AROUND ME LOVED LEAST. IT HURT ME DEEPLY TO LEARN I WAS BEING LOVED MOST WHEN I WAS LESS OF MYSELF.
WHAT DID THIS MEAN FOR ME? THAT PERHAPS MY ESSENCE WERE INHERENTLY UNLOVABLE. THAT PERHAPS I WOULD SPEND ALL MY LIFE PRACTICING MAKING THE RIGHT FACE.
AND I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE REPEATING TO MYSELF: IN THE END EVERYONE KNOWS THE TRUTH. SOME DAYS THOSE WORDS MY SALVATION. SOME DAYS THOSE WORDS LIKE KNIVES.
THE POTENTIAL TO BE SEEN ALL THE WAY THROUGH TO THE END OR TO HAVE THAT MASK PULLED OFF OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I WOULD PREFER A LIFE SPENT HONING ONLY THE WORST PARTS OF MYSELF TO A LIFE SPENT RE-PAINTING THIS MASK FOR WHATEVER AUDIENCE WILL TAKE ME. I HAVE NEVER LIKED TO MAKE FACES JUST FOR FUN.
I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE BELIEVING THAT THERE ARE PARTS OF ME THAT ARE BETTER OFF DEAD. I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE HOLDING THAT DAGGER TO MY OWN CHEST.
AND ALL OF THAT TIME IT NEVER CROSSED MY MIND THE KIND OF VIOLENCE I WAS COMMITTING. I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING.
A SELF-NEUTERING. IF I COULD JUST CUT OFF THESE ROTTEN PARTS THEN PERHAPS THERE WOULD BE SOMETHING LEFT OVER WORTH SALVAGING.
BUT WHAT IS MORE OFF-PUTTING THAN THAT ORIGINAL FORM IS THE MUTILATION THAT STANDS IN ITS PLACE.
A GIRL IS NOT A THING TO CARVE. IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME SO.
A GIRL IS NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT. IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME SO.
BUT I HAVE GOT THIS DAGGER IN MY HAND AND I HAVE LEARNED TO MAKE WOUNDS.